What If Ewoks Were Hunted for their Pelts?

Yub Nub. Ewoks are tool-welding primates that took down Imperial AT-ST Walkers and Storm Troopers with rocks, logs, and cuteness. Ewoks lived in tree villages and prepared tramps for creatures taller than Ewoks, such as human beings. Let’s not forget Ewoks were very ready to have a Rebel BBQ of Han, Luke, and Chewbacca. It is also highly possible Ewoks ate the Imperials they captured at the end of Return of the Jedi.

How would galactic society respond if humans started wearing Ewok fur? Ewoks likely would make excellent slippers for the citizens of Coruscant. People on Hoth would pay top credits for Ewok fur coats. Parents on Yavin 4 would take photos of Younglings on Ewok skin rugs (likely causing the child to turn to the Dark Side after images were shown to a prospective boyfriend or girlfriend).

There are many arguments Ewoks are a sentient species, because they have a language, established a faith system, use tools, wore skins as limited clothing, achieved non-powered flight for combat, and live in a functioning social order in a highly engineered tree village. This should be enough for anthropologists and the Republic to view Ewoks as a young pre-industrial species, despite no signs of a written language. Ewoks were nowhere near as sophisticated as Wookiees with space flight, but developmentally above Wampa.

Former Imperial worlds likely would see Ewoks as feral vermin who may or may not have eaten a family member. Ewoks contributed to the deaths of every Imperial on the second Death Star, easily over a million people. Assuming the Imperial Navy did not fire bomb Endor for revenge, the Knights of Ren establishing a fur trading company on the moon after retrieving the helmet of Darth Vader, would be evil retribution for the Empire’s defeat.

Ewok_Slippers

If Ewok fur became a profitable inter-planetary trade, the Republic and Resistance would put a stop to interstellar Ewok poaching. Ewoks would be deemed a “protected species,” because their poaching would generate illegal funds to fill the economic void created by the destruction of the second Death Star. This “Darth Market” enacting a Doctrine of Fur would fuel instability with criminal enterprises designed to trap Ewoks, with now out of work Imperial construction workers turning to poaching to make ends meet.

Starkiller Base could have been funded by illegal Ewok fur trading. The planet was big enough for the First Order to maintain Ewok pens to supply a galaxy hungry for fur products. Children conscripted as Stormtroopers could have been the labor force in the production of Ewok slippers, shawls, blankets, and capes, only adding the list of war crimes committed by Supreme Leader Snoke’s First Order.

Worlds under Republic control would enact a labeling guide for imported fur products to avoid Ewok pelts entering the market. Just as the United States prohibits cat and dog fur from being imported into the US, the Republic would have similar laws to prevent Ewok mittens being sold illegally.

Impressible young people might try to disrupt interplanetary Ewok harvesting ships by ramming Imperial/New Order vessels in space. These “Ewok Wars” could be a popular reality show on the core network, but would highlight extremely poor stellar-seamanship.

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Josh Gilliland

Josh Gilliland is a California attorney who focuses his practice on eDiscovery. Josh is the co-creator of The Legal Geeks, which has made the ABA Journal Top Blawg 100 Blawg for 2013 to 2016, and was nominated for Best Podcast for the 2015 Geekie Awards. Josh has presented at legal conferences and comic book conventions across the United States. He also ties a mean bow tie.